Hey Pricks! We Visit Tokyo’s Underground Vibrator Bar

Much of my early career was spent grinding away in the financial districts of New York City and Tokyo, where after-hours drinking binges with traders, bankers, and fintech whales were considered job requirements. Those bender-filled nights in the business corridors of Downtown New York City and Central Tokyo gave me the forte to decode the darkest corners of the human psyche. When you regularly toast beers with the scourges of Wall Street, knowing where the “dicks hang out” becomes second nature.

But tonight, in the vulgar depths of Tokyo, the absence of finance industry dick heads is palpable.  Instead, my date and I are restlessly gulping down bottles of Sapporo among a technicolor cluster of plastic cocks. Tonight it’s a dildo world — we just live in it.

Going In

We are greeted at the entrance of the bar by a casually dressed woman, who upon dispensing the required Japanese formalities—“Welcome to Vibe Bar The Wild One…make yourself at home”—hands us each a plain plastic bag. We politely accept them, remove our sneakers, and place our shoes carefully into the bags. (In Japan, impeccably tidy inner-shoe wear and spotless socks are a necessity; shoes come off everywhere.)

It is time to enter the bar and feel the vibes.

Who is going in first?

The Vibes

The first thing we encounter upon entering The Vibe Bar Wild One is a wet bar, where vibrators and dildos, of every shape and color, stand at attention along the counter. A diverse battery of polymer peckers hangs above the bar; serving double duty as both decoration and talisman, they twist agreeably in the wake of our bustling hostess. 

In a night already thick with double-entendre, fresh strains of irony begin to molest our ears: the bar’s PA system is playing Tin Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town.” Glancing back at the counter, we gain reassurance: not only are the boys “back in town”, it’s doubtful that they ever left.

vibrator bar
At your service, just be on good behavior

The bar’s hostess quickly gets down to business and meticulously walks us through the Wild One’s rules. Long story short: no overt romantic overtures or sexual contact of any type is permitted; this is a place for drinking, conversation, and chilling to classic American (mostly) rock and blues. Customers are allowed to handle and switch on any vibrator or sex toy they like, as long as they remain firmly in the region of their hands or arms. There are also strict controls in place to ensure that, at any given time, women make up the majority of the bar’s customers. Only MW, WW, or MWW combinations are permitted.

For 30 dollars each, we are allowed 90 minutes in which to fondle and sample the most impressive array of sex toys in Tokyo. We are also entitled to two free drinks. While the staff has placed some of the most popular vibrators at the table where we are seated, every spare inch of this establishment has been filled with “for her pleasure” sex toys, with prices attached for cash and carry customers. We were able to grab plenty of cock from our seats, but got up a few times to inspect devices that were not within arm’s reach. While the vibes were the stars of the bar, it was the pornographic Ukiyo-e murals—with Edo-period samurais and their geishas furiously copulating—that stole the show. Take a bow Mr. Yamamoto!

tokyo sex toys
Overheard: “Could you pass me that cock on the right?”

Bitty Boop the Crypto Queen

My date tonight is Bitty Boop (not her real stage name), a former Japanese AV actress whose five-year max distribution contract (signed over twenty years ago) has resulted in her work being completely scrubbed from the internet—that is unless you were smart enough to download it via the crude video hacking tools available in decades past.

Bitty Boop is a multi-millionaire, thanks to Bitcoin. At least she is on paper. “I ain’t selling shit,” she likes to bark. Bitty first informed me about Bitcoin in 2013, at a party in Tokyo, when the BTC price was hovering around 25 dollars. Considering her vocation and reputation at the time, and given my former proclivity for doomsday investing (guns, gold, and God), I indifferently shrugged off her consul. I should have listened.

These days, Bitty does what she wants with her life. She runs a successful boutique dog walking and pet sitting business for the richest mutt owners in Southern Tokyo. “My crypto gains gave me the courage and security to spend my days doing things that are interesting—healing things for my soul,” she confides. Bitty Boop is feeling fine tonight, with her long pale legs brushing up against mine and her left hand planted coquettishly on my right thigh. She’s now in the mood to drop crypto philosophy, as she lounges in the glow of a thousand technicolor phalluses.

“Now that Crypto has set me up for life, I’ve stopped worrying about what others think of me. It is not possible, nor necessary, that everybody values or even respects me. I’m done worrying about it. Besides, when we realize how seldom others think about us, we stop fretting about what they think; we stop pretending to be what we are not. We can be true to ourselves.”

Bitty has gained self-confidence and she seems happier than ever, coming to terms with her past with no traces of remorse or embarrassment. She’s jumped into the future on her own eccentric terms—with a wallet full of crypto and a brain full of Web3 dreams. Bitty is now a true Blockster. In a world where remaining true to oneself and one’s values is a difficult proposition, she has been liberated by the crypto lifestyle, 

I nod my head in non-stop agreement for the next hour. To hell with the mainstream. Conformity be damned. We are both mini-pioneers, members of a community that values freedom of expression, one that pushes aside the narcissism of political correctness in order to embrace personal sovereignty and financial independence.

The Biggest Prick
Toasting the crypto lifestyle with Bitty Boop

The end-game of our over-commercialized “McWorld” is conformity—in political thought, material consumption, fashion, artistic taste, and more. And the price for letting the world shape us into something or someone that we are not—which is as frightening as it is lonely—is always too high.

There is little lasting advantage to being a conformist. If we mold ourselves into an equal likeness of everyone else, we become interchangeable with everybody, and what is interchangeable is expendable: we can be tossed in the trash at any time. Emulating the crowd may grant us (temporary) acceptance and (superficial) friendship, but we become an enemy to ourselves.

The Biggest Prick

Five minutes before our ninety-minute booking at the Vibe Bar is due to expire, the bar’s inconspicuous hostess visits our table, gives her regards, and gingerly hands us the bill. It is time to settle up and scoot out into the flickering neon jungle that cloyingly winks at us from the bar’s parapet window. Bitty places her raw elbow on top of the check, where it fastens itself to the loose skin at her elbow’s joint; she then jeeringly thrusts tonight’s bar tab into my gut—and looking directly into my eyes for the first time this evening—exclaims “You know what? You are the biggest prick in this place.”

“And baby,” she buzzes in a hollowed-out voice, “I don’t have any cash on me—and they don’t take BTC…You got this one!”

William Laurent is Blockster’s Editor in Chief. Widely published throughout his career, Will is regularly featured in American Banker, Foundry, and Tech for Good, to name a few. He’s advised over 30 Fortune 500 companies across North America and Asia on content strategy, data visualization, and digital/cultural transformation. He is an influential educator, writer, artist, crypto dad, and husband. His artwork and NFTs are sought-after collectibles. Connect with William on DeSo and LinkedIn.

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